Now the Hard Part

Using all this research, the assignment is to come up with humorous material for your monologue (or sketch) on golf. Remember that to be funny, the final line of the scenario must end in a surprise. Depending on the speed of the performer, four jokes a minute is maximum or two jokes plus one anecdote is average. So if the assignment is for five minutes of material, at the maximum you need only twenty one-liners, or seven anecdotes, or an assortment.

The beginner writes just twenty pieces. The professional writes three times what's needed, as many as sixty different bits, keeps trying them out on small groups (but never your own family), rewrites, discards, rewrites some more, then finally settles on the twenty which work best for that specific audience. It's hard to get students to believe that all this labor and editing is necessary.

Let us take the exact material listed above and try a few jokes. For this exercise we have deliberately stayed with one scenario, the standard hacker/caddy dialogue, so that we can concentrate on humor technique. These stories would all benefit from personalizing—substituting a VIP's name for either member of the cast. Many of them would work whether the hacker is male or female.

POW Associations Category One (Golf Equipment)

Caddy to hacker: No matter how you slice it, sir, it's still a golf ball.

Hacker: I got some new clubs for my wife. Caddy: I know your wife, sir, and you know, that wasn't a bad trade.

Caddy: I don't get it, sir. First you slice your ball into the woods. Then you hook it onto the highway. Now you top the same ball into the water. And you still insist on my finding it? Hacker: Of course. It's my lucky ball.

Hacker: 1 hit two beautiful balls today.

Caddy: The only way you could do that, sir, would be to step on a rake.

Caddy: Here's a lost ball I found on the golf course. Hacker: Gee, thanks. But how did you know it was a lost ball? Caddy: Because they were still looking for it when I left.

Hacker: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter? Caddy: Sometime before dark, I hope.

Category Two (Golf Club)

Did you hear about the rich Texan who bought his son a set of fourteen golf clubs? All but one had a swimming pool.

Hacker: I'm moving heaven and earth to do better.

Caddy: Try moving heaven. You've already moved plenty of earth.

Caddy: The traps on this course are certainly annoying, aren't they, sir?

Hacker: Yes, and would you please shut yours.

Hacker: How does one meet new people at this country club?

Caddy: Easy. Try picking up the wrong ball.

Sign in the locker room: Please do not wash your balls with towels. Use a wire brush.

The hacker was playing in his first big tournament and asked his new girlfriend to kiss his balls for luck. She looked at him for a second and then said, "Your golf balls?"

Category Three (Golf Play)

Hacker: I play golf in the 70s. When it gets hotter, I quit.

The hacker was sentenced to be hanged. As he climbed the scaffold he said, "Do you mind if I take a few practice swings?"

Hacker: Golf is sure a funny game. Caddy: It wasn't meant to be, sir.

Hacker to caddy: "This hole should be good for a long drive and a putt."

After he flubbed his first shot the caddy said, "Now for a helluva putt."

Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score? Caddy: Yes, quit on 17!

Sammy Davis Jr. to caddy: "I'm black, I'm Jewish, and I've only got one eye, and you ask me 'What's my handicap?' "

Caddy: How come you're not playing with Mr. Anderson today, sir?"

Hacker: Would you play with a man who lies, cheats and moves his ball? Well, neither will Mr. Anderson.

The expressions head up and head down can be played either way:

Hacker: With my score today I'll never be able to hold my head up.

Caddy: Why not? You've been doing it all afternoon.

Priest: I wonder if it would help if I prayed before I teed off. Caddy: Only if you pray with your head down.

Caddy: Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday? Priest: The way I play, it's a sin to play any day.

Hacker: Ever seen such a long ball hitter as me? Caddy: Sure, the woods are full of them.

Category Four (Golf Players)

Give me my golf clubs, the fresh air, and a beautiful blonde partner—and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Hacker: "My wife says if I don't give up golf, she'll leave me. And you know, I'm going to miss her."

Did you hear about the golf pro who made a six-footer on the practice green and his wife sued for divorce?

Hacker: What do you think I should do about my game? Caddy: Well, sir, first I'd relax, then stop playing for six months, then give it up entirely.

Tourist booklet: In North Carolina there are more golf curses per mile than anywhere in the United States.

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