Exercise Make It Clear

The next task is to look for misplaced modifiers and undefined jargon or technical terminology. Did you find any? If so, correct them.

Brad said, "Rereading the sentence about getting a fresh view, I realized that there was a misplaced modifier. Of course the risk manager knew about doing business in Florida and Georgia; it was my assistant who lacked knowledge. I revised the sentence to read: 'To get a fresh view, one of my assistants with no knowledge of the risks involved in doing business in either Florida or Georgia met with a risk manager.' Also, I realized that saying that the data is tested and proven by fact checkers was inaccurate. What they were doing was verifying the accuracy of the data, not testing it or proving it. Finally, I realized that the term 'stochastic simulation,' while accurate, is technical. I had decided to leave the term in because it was precise. I still thought that was the right decision. I thought it was important that the committee know the depth of analysis I performed. I had already decided to add an attachment showcasing the stochastic simulation; now I decided to add another page explaining how it works."

Brad amended the sentence in question as follows:

My analysis used proprietary stochastic simulation techniques (see attached).

The only other change Brad made was to replace the words tested and proven with verified.

All data is verified by fact checkers.

Did you make any other changes to Brad's version? How about to your own draft?

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