Exercise Select Words with FURY

As you review both your draft and Brad's, think about what vocabulary is most familiar to people who aren't risk management experts. Also, consider whether you and Brad are using unique words or concepts that could be more simply stated. Revise the drafts with the principle of FURY in mind.

Did you find that you replaced many words? Read Brad's revision followed by his comments.

After careful comparison of the three site options, the bottom line is that the best choice for our new factory is Georgia. My analysis used proprietary stochastic simulation techniques, incorporating data collected from over one hundred sources, from the government and other public sources to interviews. To get a fresh view, one of my assistants met with a risk manager with no knowledge of the risks involved in doing business in either Florida or Georgia. Designing the model required creativity and diligence. All data is tested and proven by fact checkers verifying the information from additional sources. Objective too. Let me answer—anticipate—questions I think you're going to want to know the answers to.

Q: What data did you collect?

A: I collected over five hundred separate facts from all sorts of data sources.

Q: Why is Georgia a better choice than Florida or Illinois? A: It's lower risk overall and in key specific areas including weather, transport and available labor as well as a positive labor climate.

Q: What's the most compelling benefit of choosing Georgia? A: Diversification. We need to lessen our exposure to potential prob lems resulting from weather or labor unrest or zoning or taxation in Florida. If these problems occur in Florida, and we have more than one factory in Florida, it is easy to no doubt see the problem. Both factories is effected, not just one factory. It's easy to understand why some of us lean toward selecting Florida but we should use objective, not subjective, criteria to make the decision. If we do that, we must conclude that the site with the highest profit potential at the lowest risk is Georgia.

"I only changed one word: mitigate. I think mitigate is a little esoteric, so I rewrote the sentence using the word lessen. Other words, like proprietary, stochastic, and simulation are unique. They are technical terms and the only way, or at least the most accurate way to make my points. I decided to leave those words in."

What do you think? Did Brad make good decisions? Did you make different decisions? Remember, there's no one way to write something, so your draft is likely to differ significantly from Brad's. For example, instead of proprietary, perhaps you chose custom. Brad's point is a good one, though. "I know my audience. These senior executives know the word proprietary, and it's the most accurate word for the model I created, so I'm staying with it."

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