Hi Sales Team

Leaving eyeglass frames scattered over the counter looks chaotic and unappealing to customers entering our stores. It also creates confusion in customers who are trying on frames, making it hard for them to make a choice.

Effective immediately, please ensure that frames aren't left haphazardly on the counter.

Thanks for your cooperation. Best, Les

Them Us

Empathy Index

A positive two is a good score. Although it could be even stronger, Les did a fine job of maintaining a reader focus in his first draft.

7. How are the lead and salutation?

Les jumps in with a key point; the lead is strong. The salutation is a clear expression of shared interest.

The sentence that begins, "Effective immediately" is aggressive and has a punitive tone. Stressing the team's cooperation might be a better approach.

9. Is it specific?

No. There are no numbers or statistics (e.g., what percentage of incoming customers find scattered frames off-putting?). Neither are there examples that would help the sales team understand what to do with the frames while customers are making their purchase decisions by comparing different frames (e.g., line up the frames on a black velvet pillow).

10. Did Les use the right words? Are the words familiar to you, unless they're unique or were selected to add richness?

Les selected some interesting words (chaotic, confusion, scattered, and unappealing, for example). They're familiar and rich. There are no unique terms used. All in all, the word choices seem appropriate, although there is a negative, almost scolding tone.

Think about what we just determined by taking this methodical approach to evaluating Les's E-mail. You want to revise it with the following points in mind:

• You need to clarify the objective and ensure that it's positive.

• You might want to broaden the audience references to include other personality types.

• You need to add more benefits to persuade your readers.

• You need to select an organizational structure.

• You need to write a less intimidating close.

Go ahead and revise Les's E-mail. Here's how Les revised his E-mail: Hi Sales Team:

According to our latest customer survey, over 30 percent of customers report feeling overwhelmed by their frame options. We want customers to feel confident that their decision is easy; we don't want them feeling overwhelmed. Anything we can do to assist customers in making quick and confident decisions will increase sales and customer retention.

One strategy we can all implement is to avoid leaving eyeglass frames scattered over the counter. Scattered frames seem to create confusion in customers who are trying on frames, making it harder for them to make a choice. It also looks chaotic, even intimidating, to customers entering the store.

You'll create a more comfortable and relaxed environment for your customers by keeping frames organized. Instead of allowing the frames to be haphazardly scattered on the counter, either line them up neatly or arrange them on one of the black velvet pillows available for this purpose.

Any other ideas about managing the display of frames under customer consideration? E-mail me with your best suggestions, and I'll pass them on to the entire team.

Best, Les

Notice that Les's revision is much more positive and detailed than his first draft. "I took about five minutes to analyze my first draft. That small amount of time allowed me to identify specific problems. Keeping them in mind made the revision process easier."

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